The hard part of most household conversations is the first sentence. Choose your situation, take the version that sounds most like you, and change the words until they are yours. No account needed.
Three ways to say it
- Starting gently
Can we look at how the house work is split? I have been feeling stretched, and I would like to work out what is really going on instead of guessing.
- Saying it directly
I am doing more of the house work than I can keep up with. I do not want to argue about it. I want to move some of it off my plate this week.
- Handing it over for good
I would like you to own the laundry completely: noticing it, doing it and putting it away. I will stay out of it, including how you do it. Would that work?
Then ask
Which part of the week looks heaviest to you? I may be missing things you carry.
Change the words so they sound like you. These are for ordinary household disagreements. If you feel afraid of your partner's reaction, these scripts are not the right tool: see safety resources.
What makes these work
- One thing at a time. A list gives your partner something to defend.
- What you noticed and what it costs you, not what kind of person they are.
- A whole job rather than a favor, so that you can stop thinking about it.
- A question at the end. You may be missing work they carry.
For more on the reminder loop, read how to stop nagging. To see the whole picture first, take the mental load test together, or read about bringing up something small.
Questions about this tool
- How do I tell my partner I need more help at home?
- Name one specific job, say what it costs you, and ask them to own the whole job rather than help with it. For example: I would like you to own the laundry completely, including noticing it, and I will stay out of how you do it.
- How do I bring something up without starting a fight?
- Pick a calm time, talk about one thing, start with what you have noticed rather than what they did wrong, and end with a question. Short and specific tends to go better than a complete list.
- What if my husband, wife, boyfriend or girlfriend gets defensive?
- Stop and ask what they heard. Then return to the one specific job. If it stays heated, agree a time to come back to it. If you feel afraid of how your partner might react, a script is not the right tool, and our safety page has resources.
